A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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