He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
