eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
