Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
