Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
