I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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