we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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