so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
