anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
