I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
