she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
