How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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