My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
