maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
