you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
