I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
