I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
