youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
