My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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