The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
