filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
