Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
