I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
