she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were destined to go to rehab together
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
