so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
