So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
