think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
