Who did Billy Mays play for?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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