shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
All the doctor said was why
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
