Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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