No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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