So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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