Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
