R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
