i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
