and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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