last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
