Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
