It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
