I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your penis caused this!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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