I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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