So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
