Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
