he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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