I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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