your thong is hanging out like whoa
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
