i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
where are my eyebrows?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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