hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
