i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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