Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
